Where the 2016 presidential candidates stand on UFOs

George W. Bush secures an important endorsement.

The 2016 US presidential election process has people talking about all sorts of issues, such as immigration, inequality, and international affairs. And those are just the ones that start with the letter "i."

These and other concerns may seem important, but when considered relative to the infinite vastness of the universe, they don't really matter that much.

Far more important, however, is where these presidential candidates stand on perhaps the most important question mankind can ask: Are we alone in the universe? It is a question that I, among millions of others, often ask (including once in the Hillsdale Collegian). And it is question that, if rumors are to be believed (and why shouldn't they be?), our next president might become equipped to answer upon entering the White House in 2017.

Unless the aliens blow it up before then.

So, for the benefit of voters, and for all interested parties, in America and out, on Earth and off, I have prepared this helpful guide of where the candidates stand on UFOs. For extra helpfulness, I have ordered the candidates by their likeliness to pursue the truth about UFOs if elected president.

Barack Obama. I know President Obama isn't running for a third term, but he is a useful benchmark. As The Man, there is no way that the current President would pursue the truth about UFOs. In fact, if his facetious (?) comments on The Jimmy Kimmel show are to believed, the aliens wouldn't let him:


I won't grade Obama, since he's not running, but his failure on this front (he even denied participation in a secret CIA Mars teleportation experiment!) should disappoint his supporters. N/A

Sadly, no.

Jeb Bush. The Florida governor is no longer running, and good riddance: He is just as unlikely as Obama to have pursued the truth about UFOs. For Jeb is the son of George H.W. Bush, who as director of the CIA probably helped cover up evidence of extraterrestrials, and as president did not reveal any UFO secrets (despite once claiming, when asked about UFOs while campaigning, that "I know some, I know a lot"), and brother of George W. Bush, who as president also did not reveal any UFO secrets. Another Bush would have been no better. F

Bernie Sanders. Although the Vermont senator appeals to many young voters, he is not a friend of UFO disclosure enthusiasts. A reporter who asked Sanders about UFOs claims that Sanders "had no interest in the UFO question and gave me a flippant response." Sanders is no friend to those interested in extraterrestrial life. F

Marco Rubio. The Florida senator is a bit harder to discern. When a reporter asked him (14 seconds into this video, also posted below) if aliens are real, he simply laughed and said "I don't know." Agnosticism and humility on this question are better than outright denial or active cover-up, but Rubio could do better. C 



Ben Carson. Although he seems to have no opinion on the record about UFOs, he has expressed unorthodox theories about the pyramids (that they were used to store grain), much as Ancient Astronaut Theorists suspect the pyramids were built by/with the help of aliens (note: the two theories are not mutually exclusive). C+

Donald Trump. Trump is not himself interested in UFOs. They are, however, interested in him (do they know something we don't?). And one suspects that he would throw his lot in with UFO enthusiasts if he thinks he could gain more support by doing so. C+

Ted Cruz. Based on his public speeches, the Texas senator is, in all likelihood, a robot. And although this robot has not personally indicated any interest in UFOs, he did listen to his constituents' concerns the Jade Helm military exercise, and briefly employed a UFO enthusiast as part of his campaign. He could be secretly signaling an interest while wanting to keep the aliens confused. There is hope. B-

John Kasich. The Ohio governor is by far the best hope on the Republican side for UFO enthusiasts. He once devoted a segment of his TV show on Fox News to the UFO phenomenon:



He also promised to reunite the space rock band Pink Floyd, even though Richard Wright, its keyboardist, is dead. (Kasich will probably revive Wright with alien technology.)  B+

Hillary Clinton: Hillary is by far the best hope for UFO enthusiasts on either side of the aisle. When her husband, Bill, was president, he tried to find out everything he could; John Podesta, one of her closest advisers, is a notable UFO disclosure advocate. And Hillary herself has promised to do whatever she could to reveal the truth about UFOs if elected president. A+

So there you have it, folks: Where the candidates stand on by far the most important issue of 2016: extraterrestrial life. I hope this helps you make your decision. In a UFO enthusiast's ideal world, we'd have a Clinton-Kasich contest this fall, but alas, a world in which we still don't know the truth about extraterrestrial life is far, far, from ideal. It's a two-party system; we have to vote for one of them:



But somewhere in the clear night sky, hidden in the tapestry of stars and planets, lies the truth. And it can't hide forever.*

*Note, this post may or may not be entirely in jest.